it's a good thing

that i only got my lowly portion of beauty.

because i have a strong feeling that i would become a under durreess, beyond its set of expectations.
i could never live a life that was completely exposed.

i will never live a life that is completely exposed.
maybe i'd make a better actress cum myth than i thought.

i could be an image, i could be a spectre, forever. celluiloid beauty sustained forever on some screen.

perhaps i've stumbled upon this little revelation too late in life. 

are you gonna be?

are you gonna be a victim or are you going to stand?

and persevere? ever time i listen to florence + the machine, that question hits me.

yes or no? you choose.

indulge in this victim posture for a few weeks in february, sick yourself (literally) with refined sugar or whatever poison you choose. but know that you'll still have to face yourself on the otherside.

more, people are counting on you to come through.

accept your responsiblity and move on. you asked for purpose, you asked for light. and it's here now so revel (maybe not now, wait until it warms up a bit otherwise i'd really call you a fool) but once it warms up.....

REVEL. in this busy season. that's all it is.

another busy season. a season of purpose and intense work.


(BUT I HAVE MY DOUBTS)



Doubts you say? Like sometimes I wonder the point of working so hard like this and all of these other people very unhappy people in DC. Why are we all here? Why do we work so hard?


Is there such thing as a dream job?????? What of dreams?
(this might be another post - but what does it say if i can no longer phatasize)

completely exposed.

i don't know why i've felt just sooo very sad lately.

i think it has a lot to do with feeling like i've just lost my family.

we're all in fragments. so build a new one, right?
it's not so easy.


i get sad thinking about my dad all alone in his trailer. right now he has the stomach flu with no one to take care of him. and he's working so hard. so i can be here and live and go on to do things.

shannon told me that this past weekend he worked all weekend at the inmate hospital way down in south georgia until like 6 am monday morning only to go into the office the same day.

crazy. and he's trying so hard with jp and jp is just kind of ehh. you know.
he doesn't deserve that. i want him to get the position in tuscaloosa, i want him to have peace and to not have to worry so much about all of these unhappy people - his brothers and sisters, everyone in his office. it's too much and i worry.




shannon and i have been feeling some kind of way towards our mother. i don't know why. we've been feeling like she is distant, like she doesn't want to bother.

but i don't know. i just don't know at all.


sometimes.

i know that i've been just eating straight junk - stocking up for winter?
wishing i could hibernate? hide under my covers until ehh mid march? i wish, i really do.

some people need thick skin, well i need a thick layer of blubber to protect me well, from myself.

and i think it will fend off others. again, i have no idea.

but today i was thinking about how impossible it is to simply be human.

it's a terrible sentence - all of our limitations, wants and endless desires that we try to satiate. and we fail over and over again. limitations are everywhere- intellect, old age, youth, and we're trapped in wretched bodies the whole time. bodies that betray in youth, mistakes and carelessness and ten in old age there's too much time to reflect and no energy to act.

it's sick and sad. and maybe i've been reading too much baudelaire.

no choice

i don't have a choice.

i have to work harder, smarter, faster, and stronger.

i will not let myself become overwhelmed...

Even as I need support, I know my family can't be there for me right now.

So I must carry on and be strong.
It's a time of great trials, it's a time to prove myself.

I have to reach down into the vast reserves, into dark massy pits of energy which were once directed towards nothing good, nothing good at all. Redirect them.

For everything, there is still beauty in the ashes.

I also must work out today.

raw

i don't know why i feel so raw right now.
everything is at the surface.
i feel defenseless and yet i'm still trying to hold on - keep going, keep moving forward, keep up the momentum.

i just feel raw and vulnerable. and tired. really tired. and drained. like i need some support. i need something solid to lean on. i need someone solid to lean on.

i don't what to be a one-woman island forever. i don't want to shut the doors and build any more secret lives.

what are my options? i don't know if anyone will get it. get me. accept me to the tilth.

i am flotsam right now.

everything is vapors.

i need you

to love me to the tilth
whatever you find there, love it. and me.
in all of it's excess and shame. whatever you find, promise me, it will be to the tilth.
your love should be excess, that's the only way i'll understand. the only way to know it's might be real.

regret

It occurs to me now that regret is a often a great luxury. You can only regret if you had a choice.
- nb

to connect with this

as though sadness was the only option:

Maybe I only ever envisioned myself grown and bathed in loneliness. That’s what I wanted from a city, any city, and why I wanted to live in one: anonymity and painful quiet. It was what I expected. It was the most I could imagine. For my entire life I’ve been haunted by the conviction that the purest, most profound beauty is borne out of, and borne into, sadness. It seemed the only mode of being that would ever suit me.

There is a saying that a psychotic person drowns in the same waters in which a mystic swims. Sometimes there is a sense of drowning, but it seems a worthy risk to me. If I were to be given a new name, I’d like it to be one who loves water. I think now I might even chose that over one who loves flight.

- nightmare brunette

this idea of beauty through the ashes

perhaps it's my need to justify, testify, or something

but i think i am more beautiful for the ashes.

was that the goal all along?
a sick one if so. on whatever level that registers. but i'm not going to judge it.

i've spent a lot of time making life hard for myself. that time is over.

it's a distorted perspective and i'm coming out on the other side of it and looking back. not actively, not resting. i've got a snapshot of the view and i'm trying to moving on. no i simply am.

beauty for the ashes. i love that phrase.


i sought out people men, who were unsafe, who took pleasure in inflicting wounds, in trauma. part of me wonders where they are now and how they would like to be remembered. i think that will be an important assesment in my going forward. in my further discernment of safe people -- how would i like to be remembered? how will he be remembered. it's important to consider. i was living so much in the moment, i didn't even think about the potential ramifications. of what the other side would look like.

i think part of me was in love with the romance of trauma. yes, i thought it romantic because on some level it was familiar to me. that realm of people who hurt people, of being careless. saying/yelling careless things. it kind of makes sense that i shut down in high school - that i rendered myself mute at high school, i had no voice because it was clisped by a whole slew of trauma at home. somehow physical altercation replaced another, or was extended.

controlling my body - acting out through the body - limiting and excess - trauma and more. rounds of it, please. i haven't had enough.

but there was no physical abuse. that's what shannon and i say to each other sometimes. we say it in a way that maybe we long for it, secretely. for real definiable memories of hurt, pain, a constant. yes trauma was a constant of its own, but it was stealth -- oh it's a friday night we've all ordered chinese food, someone says the wrong thing and here we goooo

that's how it went.

i was maladjusted to say the least.

and here i am back to the importance of physical strength -- showing the signs through my curve and leanness and thinner limbs that i'm not a pliant supplicating rag-doll or that i'm not a chubby 11, 12, 14 year old, in choas and doesn't know how to deal except through my very private release.

and then later the private releases (not even, more like a fruitless quest for them) abut it lives on as my own private shame.

in a dick way, i think  no i know i carry it around as my pennance, the private shame is my sentence. my punishment. i'm closer to forgiving myself, but then and this is getting too far ahead of myself as usual. then i wonder how will i ever be truly transparent with someone?


what will happen when i actually lay myself bare - soul to soul to someone. when i'm stopped and still and someone sees me.

they see my soul and say, "i see you."

more than anything, it's that moment i fear most. right now.

which is how i got on this subject in the first place.

will i ever experience a true intimacy and not a shallow one?

i mean even with will in our cab sessions, i could feel my body responding and just that. pure physical reaction the first time around with the mad groping.

but then this second time around in the cab...well it just felt different.
it really did, i mean at first my body was playing at the usual seductive games - hand here do this, be this, you're good at this,

but there was a shift -- there was, feeling. we feeling each other. on not just a shallow lusty level.
i like him. i LIKED him, actually like him and feel no shame for it, no need to hide, to close a door, to make it part of a secret life.

we were really kissing. i got a taste of it - kisses with real feeling and my simply feeling real somethings back, the beginning of something real back and i just started to melt into him and relax...

when i was home i was actually -get this - purring, it was the strangest reaction. i've never felt like that. like a content cat who's just feasted on cream and had my belly rubbed. it was this warm feeling radiating and settling through me. pure bliss. 

i want more, i want to see him more.

what i really like about him is that he's not afraid of PDA. he's into me and not afriad to show it. i don't feel like a FETISH object with him, like something he's always wanted to try. i just feel like a version of myself that i've always wanted to display to someone - or like a side of me i knew someone could bring out.

i need to relax more though, i want to relax with him,

please just let this be real for awhile.

please please please.

maybe he's had enough though?

i sent him a text the next morning that said:

"had a really nice time & hopefully we'll see each other sooner than later"

he said - " i agree. hope you had a great evening. good luck with your busy start to this week"

as we were leaving the restaurant - i kind of forgot i was even with someone lol i stopped and he caught up and immediately started reaching for me. grabbing a bit at the haunches (there's no real cake there lol)
 and somehow we wrapped ourselves around each other in marvin's perfect corridor, right before the stairs - and he was like what do you want to do? wanna get drinks, it's up to you, and he leans in for the kiss, a couple of kisses "wanna go home" i said through kisses, " i think it's best if we go to our own homes"

so you want me to take you home?
yes please kissing and we leave
mayyybe he was disappointed but then i put my arm around him and he had an arm around me
and we just started talking about how perfect it was sooo good

then we grabbed the cab and welll
i could have been frustrating that miday through i asked, how close to your place are we?
whoops

that's something i would have said with anyone else though, it seemed like a thing to say.
which means it's wrong.

let him be him and not a million other guys. even though it may have been on his mind, it might not have been his 1st priority, or the main one, like he could have been really happy with what we were doing, which was better than nothing at all lol, then i throw a flyball in the equation and mess it all up and he's even more frustratd.

so we're kissing, really kissing. i mean we started out pretty furiously because all of a sudden it was like -- we're no longer in a restaurant - we're in a confined space we haven't touched all night and weee
then it sloooowed. so then we're close to GW and he seemed a bit peeved when i asked if i was close to home and he said pretty much

so then we pull up to 20th and F., i'm in a bit of a daze stilll, i leave the door open and have to close it - methinks he had a giant boner? lol

so we walk, i'm cold now and shivering a bit and he asks me if i'm cold - i say a bit.
i guess he thought he'd have longer to walk me or something i dunno but we get to the empire and have two quick kisses more and i say thanks for everything, and he says no problem

so now what to make of all that? it was a lovely night.

the importance of starting brand new

i want to feel safe with someone.
and close.
i want real intimacy. and i deserve it.

that's why it's so important for me to be brand new in my future relationships between judging potential partners based on my past swath of assholes will only set me up for failure.

i have to understand the type of guys that i used to pursue - weak, insecure, assholes seeking to take advatange, depressed users, those who wanted to dole out abuse.
and i took it, happily eagerly, i lapped it up but it always left me wanting.
and the more i wanted from them , a him, from almost any anynomous pixelated face that shone his light my way - the more they took and took and took.

until there was nothing left.

i am literally and will always be working from the ashes.
know this -- that there is beauty through the ashes. because of the ashes.
their distortion of you then, does not define you now. maybe then, yes then definitely.

but not now.

John 8:14:
 "I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid, for I know where I came from and where I am going. But you have no idea where I come from or where I am going."


I testify on my own behalf. 

This blog, right here me writing is a witness to that. 

I'm bearing witness to all: Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realise that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open
And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuitboards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuitboard

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuitboards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuitboard
Synapse slipping through the hidden door  

this. is. my. life. right.

mini-me and m2

that's what i am and trish is to me.

it's just so strange and reassuring to talk to someone with whom everything is sacred and understood.

completely. i love my sister, but often times when i'm talking to her, i know she's distant. that i've lost her somewhere. whether i'm talking about writing/creating or about men. my dating life. she wants to be supportive. or maybe she doesn't i don't know. it's a very distant knowledge to her.

but trish has lived my life.

she says i'm her, but so much smarter. which is funny, because i feel sooooo very dumb sometimes.

overwhelmed and humbled

i have this strange smile on my face.

(the dog days are over or only just beginning. something new has taken root)


i'm literally busier than ever.

i have more work to do than ever.

i'm committed to more people than ever.

i have 500,000 balls up in the air at one time.

i don't even know how i got here.
but i do.
i do so well.

i mean here, to this place of peace even through the constancy, the constant demands.

that's what it is. the constant demands on myself and the awareness of them.
i can't ignore my responsibilites. i know exactly what i have to do. it's so much. i don't know sometimes. like now, as i'm writing the weekend music roundup and thinking knowing i need to be a better intern.


the looming internship deadlines. it's just alllllllll here. and i have to make something happen,

make me happen.

exalt

exalt exalt exalt exalt

bring me back to the the day of nothing.

rise from the ashes and just breathe.


exalt.

sing with a heart of gratitude.

from the most insignificant movement of your own holy body.

exactly. here and now.

While your past can inform you and your future can inspire you, the moment of choice exists in the here and now.

- debbie ford

so much so

i still carry so much sadness with me.
i carry sadness in my heart.
the reminders are still everywhere.

i saw one last night as i was headed back from cvs with pizza and oreo's in tow.

it hurts. i hurt because so much is changing. and there's nothing i can do to reign it in.

alll i can try to do is be peace. because i'm already working from those voids. and i can't fall back into those traps. i can't fall back into darkness and unkowning and all the confusion.

now i'm not so much confused and lost, i just feel so vulnerable.
because people want to know me. and are trying to know me. i know all parts of me. and i want to keep the mess, the yuck hidden. but how much longer can i keep it all bottled in? but if i unfurl all that mess on someone, surely it will scare them away. and maybe that was my plan all along. damange to the point of no repair.


i have to hurry because i'm supposed to meet him at 8:30. part of my problem wait.
wait wait. pause.

you have the ability to show up brand new. every time. every day. brand new. you're still here. you're living.

show up brand new. you are who you create in the moment, and choose that moment.

don't build or draw from memory and expecatation, worse from disappointment. because you're setting yourself and everyone else up for failure.

don't compound it all. don't make it so critical, now, here, today in 2011. not then. i say so fiercly. fiecely so. i mean it.


SHOW UP BRAND NEW.

so much

i have so much to do, to be, to read.
how will i ever get it all done?
i think it starts with something i've always known. and not just on a surface level of knowing, but knowing in my body.
last night i attended an amazing panel of women featuring former president of planned parenthood, Gloria Feldt, MSNBC contributer Karen Finney, TBD reporter and Washington City Paper Alum, Amanda Hess, Congresswoman Terry Sewell from Alabama, and another phenomenal woman whom i can't remem er right now.

Gloria, (yes i feel like i'm on a first name basis with her) moderated the panel and opened it up for questions. She asked of them:

"When was the moment that you realized you have to power TO?"

Not that the other women's responses and stories weren't great, but on a very personal level, Karen's struck me the hardest.

She said it was when, she realized her physical stregth, how she could run and climb, and lift weights, and take flights of stairs. She realized that, "Wow, this is really an amazing thing that I can do"

I also feel my strongest mentally when I'm strong physically. Right now, post-holiday excess has made me a bit of a sad-sack of flub. Not really, but it's headed that way if I don't seek to control it in the RIGHT ways. Not a false sense of temporary control, but a control that promotes balance and overall well-being. That's why it's so important that I begin working out again. Before things spiral out of control. This is not that Spring. It's not those months. It's not even the same year, I say even as I'm wearing the exact shirt that well. Geez.

Part of me thinks that I will forever be in penance for that hasty season. That reckless season. I was so careless.

I can't make things any harder for myself than they already are.

I have to feel physically strong so that I'm not a pliant and eager victim again. Does that make sense? I wonder if survivors of rape feel the same way. They must, take the self-defense classes, carry the mase, get the gun lisccense, drop the 20 pounds and tone up. But my trauma was a different kind, how do I recover?

The thing is -- you are. You are. You are. You being here right now, here in the library, weepy and listening to Far Cry again. In the library on a friday night at GWU, writing for recovery instead of messing with fate or whatever the yell you thought you were doing.

i think i need to

come clean about a few things.
quite a few things.
because i want to become more transparent, more known to myself.

recovery

http://rockrecovery.net/

geodes and diamonds

i want to wear geodes and diamonds, close on my kind.
wear those elementals as a woman and be loved.
indulging my base natural.
having no shame.

still better

everything feels fractured and my heart is bruised.
still, better all that hurt than to have known no pain.
learnt nothing.

i fill it with words with just one syllable - they tell you everything you need to know about humanity.

there's only the last page left to write on, i fill it with words of just one syllable:


i love.
i have loved.
i will love.

i have played too many games with love

and i don't know any of the rules

i'm beyond the reach of love