seeing

i haven't seen myself clearly for a very long time.
if ever.
but i like this feeling.
it's transparency and peace.
i mirror and mirror back.
i look and i see life.
i see proof in my face.
all over my face is the evidence.

dc

living in dc - a place devoid of emotion, where feelings are masqued, where one must play the game in order to get ahead. after three years, i don't have much of a clue. i'm lacking the ruthleses social climbing gene. i want to write/intern for hallmark because through the company, i still see that there is proof in life. that there is still a way to connect people to people, heart to heart.
it takes a great deal of courage to even apply for this internship. i've faced my own share of traumas, both external and self-inflicted. through the depths of sadness and, i have learned more about myself than i ever thought possible. this was through my journey of setting off for DC at 18, leaving at 20, spending an invaluable year in nashville, tn, only to return stronger at 21. i look towards writers, thinkers, and inspirationals for subtle grace and quiet revelations. it is in this spirit that i would like to write for hallmark. my past editorial experience, though great, i often felt very isolated from my audience. though i achieved success in meeting the expectations of writing in the City Paper's sarcastic, often flippant, know-it-all, and aloof tone, i think this aim/focus made my writing suffer. the point of the writing often seemed to be to cut to the chase/beat the reader/outsmart the reader/ even before the first paragraph has ended. despiste this challegenge, i think i was able to incorporate my own voice and humour. instead, i would like to work towards incorporating my brand of humor with hallmark's aim of drawing people, readers, families closer together, not further apart.

trophy of grace

continue to stand tall in grace.
broach each day as a new beginning.
measure, for measure, count your blessings.
remember, the other side.

well and well on

though there is a new-forming or latent developing well of anger rising in me occasionally, towards those with whom i was careless, with those who took even less care, i think my only response is humor. spontanteity of wit, thought, reflection, moving on towards healing and away from a conditioned responsed:
a happened
and now i must feel b
because i feel b, i am now c.
c i am c.

i think it's the only way upward and on.
forge on,
write on,
laugh on.

through the sadness and depths of self-inflicted trauma, it's the only way.
i think that this is why i've been drawn to barbra streisand, strong funny women who use wit as their weapon and don't let themselves be spoken for/claimed/maimed/ or any of it.

i'm a victim of my heart, all my own, ill itent led me astray,
laughter, light, and humour will lead the way.
song of the compass rose.
it's a sign of life.

everyday chocolate cake | smitten kitchen

everyday chocolate cake | smitten kitchen

fixed gazed (someone is always watching)

who do these girls think they're looking at?
who do they imagine in the camera?
don't they see how young they look, babi eyes frozen always, mouth pouting, mascara overdone.

who will show them how to live, how will they live?

onwards and upwards

it just makes such a difference when a guy is really into you.
when you can enjoy spending time with him, in public.
no shame.
that he's just really nice and pays for things.
and you get along, no fear. it's transparent and just really nice.


it's what i want from now on. it's what i deserve. i can't go back. it really does make a difference.

it's hard to think about how many more fellows i may or may not kiss before i meet the one. but if i do kiss them/when i do kiss them, they should be deserving of my time and affection.
they should really care, even if it's just for a little while.

i want to build upon it, have more. i think i'm maybe starting to discern who's the who and what's the what and what i want, want i deserve.

no more punishing myself, no more of the trauma.

all good things.

naked

feeling close to known. feeling naked almost, like people want in. they want access. they see that i'm no longer hiding. but i'm still hiding in plain sight. how do i hold on, how do i remain closed and open at the same time? still veiled. i still want to keep parts of myself to myself....but if i continue to do that growth will stop. feeling known, almost.

i want a boyfriend.
want a boyfriend
want a bf.
bf. boyfriend.
iiiiiii want a boyfriend.
wanna boyfriend.

quadron - Far cry

unyielding, so i must

my desire is unyielding and cannot be sated. so i give and want more, always. i need and want it constantly. i want to be released from the ties of passion that bind me. i know i must overwhelm.

walt whitman be my guide

Thus in silence, in dreams' projections,

Returning resuming....

I thread my way through the hospitals,

The hurt and wounded and pacify with soothing hand, some are so young

some suffer so much.

I recall the experience sweet and sad.

(Many a soldier's loving arms about this neck have cross'd and rested.

Many a soldier's kiss dwells on these bearded lips)  

- The Wound Dresser