completely exposed.

i don't know why i've felt just sooo very sad lately.

i think it has a lot to do with feeling like i've just lost my family.

we're all in fragments. so build a new one, right?
it's not so easy.


i get sad thinking about my dad all alone in his trailer. right now he has the stomach flu with no one to take care of him. and he's working so hard. so i can be here and live and go on to do things.

shannon told me that this past weekend he worked all weekend at the inmate hospital way down in south georgia until like 6 am monday morning only to go into the office the same day.

crazy. and he's trying so hard with jp and jp is just kind of ehh. you know.
he doesn't deserve that. i want him to get the position in tuscaloosa, i want him to have peace and to not have to worry so much about all of these unhappy people - his brothers and sisters, everyone in his office. it's too much and i worry.




shannon and i have been feeling some kind of way towards our mother. i don't know why. we've been feeling like she is distant, like she doesn't want to bother.

but i don't know. i just don't know at all.


sometimes.

i know that i've been just eating straight junk - stocking up for winter?
wishing i could hibernate? hide under my covers until ehh mid march? i wish, i really do.

some people need thick skin, well i need a thick layer of blubber to protect me well, from myself.

and i think it will fend off others. again, i have no idea.

but today i was thinking about how impossible it is to simply be human.

it's a terrible sentence - all of our limitations, wants and endless desires that we try to satiate. and we fail over and over again. limitations are everywhere- intellect, old age, youth, and we're trapped in wretched bodies the whole time. bodies that betray in youth, mistakes and carelessness and ten in old age there's too much time to reflect and no energy to act.

it's sick and sad. and maybe i've been reading too much baudelaire.