this idea of beauty through the ashes

perhaps it's my need to justify, testify, or something

but i think i am more beautiful for the ashes.

was that the goal all along?
a sick one if so. on whatever level that registers. but i'm not going to judge it.

i've spent a lot of time making life hard for myself. that time is over.

it's a distorted perspective and i'm coming out on the other side of it and looking back. not actively, not resting. i've got a snapshot of the view and i'm trying to moving on. no i simply am.

beauty for the ashes. i love that phrase.


i sought out people men, who were unsafe, who took pleasure in inflicting wounds, in trauma. part of me wonders where they are now and how they would like to be remembered. i think that will be an important assesment in my going forward. in my further discernment of safe people -- how would i like to be remembered? how will he be remembered. it's important to consider. i was living so much in the moment, i didn't even think about the potential ramifications. of what the other side would look like.

i think part of me was in love with the romance of trauma. yes, i thought it romantic because on some level it was familiar to me. that realm of people who hurt people, of being careless. saying/yelling careless things. it kind of makes sense that i shut down in high school - that i rendered myself mute at high school, i had no voice because it was clisped by a whole slew of trauma at home. somehow physical altercation replaced another, or was extended.

controlling my body - acting out through the body - limiting and excess - trauma and more. rounds of it, please. i haven't had enough.

but there was no physical abuse. that's what shannon and i say to each other sometimes. we say it in a way that maybe we long for it, secretely. for real definiable memories of hurt, pain, a constant. yes trauma was a constant of its own, but it was stealth -- oh it's a friday night we've all ordered chinese food, someone says the wrong thing and here we goooo

that's how it went.

i was maladjusted to say the least.

and here i am back to the importance of physical strength -- showing the signs through my curve and leanness and thinner limbs that i'm not a pliant supplicating rag-doll or that i'm not a chubby 11, 12, 14 year old, in choas and doesn't know how to deal except through my very private release.

and then later the private releases (not even, more like a fruitless quest for them) abut it lives on as my own private shame.

in a dick way, i think  no i know i carry it around as my pennance, the private shame is my sentence. my punishment. i'm closer to forgiving myself, but then and this is getting too far ahead of myself as usual. then i wonder how will i ever be truly transparent with someone?


what will happen when i actually lay myself bare - soul to soul to someone. when i'm stopped and still and someone sees me.

they see my soul and say, "i see you."

more than anything, it's that moment i fear most. right now.

which is how i got on this subject in the first place.

will i ever experience a true intimacy and not a shallow one?

i mean even with will in our cab sessions, i could feel my body responding and just that. pure physical reaction the first time around with the mad groping.

but then this second time around in the cab...well it just felt different.
it really did, i mean at first my body was playing at the usual seductive games - hand here do this, be this, you're good at this,

but there was a shift -- there was, feeling. we feeling each other. on not just a shallow lusty level.
i like him. i LIKED him, actually like him and feel no shame for it, no need to hide, to close a door, to make it part of a secret life.

we were really kissing. i got a taste of it - kisses with real feeling and my simply feeling real somethings back, the beginning of something real back and i just started to melt into him and relax...

when i was home i was actually -get this - purring, it was the strangest reaction. i've never felt like that. like a content cat who's just feasted on cream and had my belly rubbed. it was this warm feeling radiating and settling through me. pure bliss. 

i want more, i want to see him more.

what i really like about him is that he's not afraid of PDA. he's into me and not afriad to show it. i don't feel like a FETISH object with him, like something he's always wanted to try. i just feel like a version of myself that i've always wanted to display to someone - or like a side of me i knew someone could bring out.

i need to relax more though, i want to relax with him,

please just let this be real for awhile.

please please please.

maybe he's had enough though?

i sent him a text the next morning that said:

"had a really nice time & hopefully we'll see each other sooner than later"

he said - " i agree. hope you had a great evening. good luck with your busy start to this week"

as we were leaving the restaurant - i kind of forgot i was even with someone lol i stopped and he caught up and immediately started reaching for me. grabbing a bit at the haunches (there's no real cake there lol)
 and somehow we wrapped ourselves around each other in marvin's perfect corridor, right before the stairs - and he was like what do you want to do? wanna get drinks, it's up to you, and he leans in for the kiss, a couple of kisses "wanna go home" i said through kisses, " i think it's best if we go to our own homes"

so you want me to take you home?
yes please kissing and we leave
mayyybe he was disappointed but then i put my arm around him and he had an arm around me
and we just started talking about how perfect it was sooo good

then we grabbed the cab and welll
i could have been frustrating that miday through i asked, how close to your place are we?
whoops

that's something i would have said with anyone else though, it seemed like a thing to say.
which means it's wrong.

let him be him and not a million other guys. even though it may have been on his mind, it might not have been his 1st priority, or the main one, like he could have been really happy with what we were doing, which was better than nothing at all lol, then i throw a flyball in the equation and mess it all up and he's even more frustratd.

so we're kissing, really kissing. i mean we started out pretty furiously because all of a sudden it was like -- we're no longer in a restaurant - we're in a confined space we haven't touched all night and weee
then it sloooowed. so then we're close to GW and he seemed a bit peeved when i asked if i was close to home and he said pretty much

so then we pull up to 20th and F., i'm in a bit of a daze stilll, i leave the door open and have to close it - methinks he had a giant boner? lol

so we walk, i'm cold now and shivering a bit and he asks me if i'm cold - i say a bit.
i guess he thought he'd have longer to walk me or something i dunno but we get to the empire and have two quick kisses more and i say thanks for everything, and he says no problem

so now what to make of all that? it was a lovely night.