Thursday, January 20, 2011

the importance of starting brand new

i want to feel safe with someone.
and close.
i want real intimacy. and i deserve it.

that's why it's so important for me to be brand new in my future relationships between judging potential partners based on my past swath of assholes will only set me up for failure.

i have to understand the type of guys that i used to pursue - weak, insecure, assholes seeking to take advatange, depressed users, those who wanted to dole out abuse.
and i took it, happily eagerly, i lapped it up but it always left me wanting.
and the more i wanted from them , a him, from almost any anynomous pixelated face that shone his light my way - the more they took and took and took.

until there was nothing left.

i am literally and will always be working from the ashes.
know this -- that there is beauty through the ashes. because of the ashes.
their distortion of you then, does not define you now. maybe then, yes then definitely.

but not now.

John 8:14:
 "I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid, for I know where I came from and where I am going. But you have no idea where I come from or where I am going."


I testify on my own behalf. 

This blog, right here me writing is a witness to that. 

I'm bearing witness to all: Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realise that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open
And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuitboards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuitboard

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone
No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

Snow White's stitching up the circuitboards
Synapse slipping through the hidden door
Snow White's stitching up the circuitboard
Synapse slipping through the hidden door  

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