so much so

i still carry so much sadness with me.
i carry sadness in my heart.
the reminders are still everywhere.

i saw one last night as i was headed back from cvs with pizza and oreo's in tow.

it hurts. i hurt because so much is changing. and there's nothing i can do to reign it in.

alll i can try to do is be peace. because i'm already working from those voids. and i can't fall back into those traps. i can't fall back into darkness and unkowning and all the confusion.

now i'm not so much confused and lost, i just feel so vulnerable.
because people want to know me. and are trying to know me. i know all parts of me. and i want to keep the mess, the yuck hidden. but how much longer can i keep it all bottled in? but if i unfurl all that mess on someone, surely it will scare them away. and maybe that was my plan all along. damange to the point of no repair.


i have to hurry because i'm supposed to meet him at 8:30. part of my problem wait.
wait wait. pause.

you have the ability to show up brand new. every time. every day. brand new. you're still here. you're living.

show up brand new. you are who you create in the moment, and choose that moment.

don't build or draw from memory and expecatation, worse from disappointment. because you're setting yourself and everyone else up for failure.

don't compound it all. don't make it so critical, now, here, today in 2011. not then. i say so fiercly. fiecely so. i mean it.


SHOW UP BRAND NEW.