so much

i have so much to do, to be, to read.
how will i ever get it all done?
i think it starts with something i've always known. and not just on a surface level of knowing, but knowing in my body.
last night i attended an amazing panel of women featuring former president of planned parenthood, Gloria Feldt, MSNBC contributer Karen Finney, TBD reporter and Washington City Paper Alum, Amanda Hess, Congresswoman Terry Sewell from Alabama, and another phenomenal woman whom i can't remem er right now.

Gloria, (yes i feel like i'm on a first name basis with her) moderated the panel and opened it up for questions. She asked of them:

"When was the moment that you realized you have to power TO?"

Not that the other women's responses and stories weren't great, but on a very personal level, Karen's struck me the hardest.

She said it was when, she realized her physical stregth, how she could run and climb, and lift weights, and take flights of stairs. She realized that, "Wow, this is really an amazing thing that I can do"

I also feel my strongest mentally when I'm strong physically. Right now, post-holiday excess has made me a bit of a sad-sack of flub. Not really, but it's headed that way if I don't seek to control it in the RIGHT ways. Not a false sense of temporary control, but a control that promotes balance and overall well-being. That's why it's so important that I begin working out again. Before things spiral out of control. This is not that Spring. It's not those months. It's not even the same year, I say even as I'm wearing the exact shirt that well. Geez.

Part of me thinks that I will forever be in penance for that hasty season. That reckless season. I was so careless.

I can't make things any harder for myself than they already are.

I have to feel physically strong so that I'm not a pliant and eager victim again. Does that make sense? I wonder if survivors of rape feel the same way. They must, take the self-defense classes, carry the mase, get the gun lisccense, drop the 20 pounds and tone up. But my trauma was a different kind, how do I recover?

The thing is -- you are. You are. You are. You being here right now, here in the library, weepy and listening to Far Cry again. In the library on a friday night at GWU, writing for recovery instead of messing with fate or whatever the yell you thought you were doing.