it's a good thing

that i only got my lowly portion of beauty.

because i have a strong feeling that i would become a under durreess, beyond its set of expectations.
i could never live a life that was completely exposed.

i will never live a life that is completely exposed.
maybe i'd make a better actress cum myth than i thought.

i could be an image, i could be a spectre, forever. celluiloid beauty sustained forever on some screen.

perhaps i've stumbled upon this little revelation too late in life. 

are you gonna be?

are you gonna be a victim or are you going to stand?

and persevere? ever time i listen to florence + the machine, that question hits me.

yes or no? you choose.

indulge in this victim posture for a few weeks in february, sick yourself (literally) with refined sugar or whatever poison you choose. but know that you'll still have to face yourself on the otherside.

more, people are counting on you to come through.

accept your responsiblity and move on. you asked for purpose, you asked for light. and it's here now so revel (maybe not now, wait until it warms up a bit otherwise i'd really call you a fool) but once it warms up.....

REVEL. in this busy season. that's all it is.

another busy season. a season of purpose and intense work.


(BUT I HAVE MY DOUBTS)



Doubts you say? Like sometimes I wonder the point of working so hard like this and all of these other people very unhappy people in DC. Why are we all here? Why do we work so hard?


Is there such thing as a dream job?????? What of dreams?
(this might be another post - but what does it say if i can no longer phatasize)

completely exposed.

i don't know why i've felt just sooo very sad lately.

i think it has a lot to do with feeling like i've just lost my family.

we're all in fragments. so build a new one, right?
it's not so easy.


i get sad thinking about my dad all alone in his trailer. right now he has the stomach flu with no one to take care of him. and he's working so hard. so i can be here and live and go on to do things.

shannon told me that this past weekend he worked all weekend at the inmate hospital way down in south georgia until like 6 am monday morning only to go into the office the same day.

crazy. and he's trying so hard with jp and jp is just kind of ehh. you know.
he doesn't deserve that. i want him to get the position in tuscaloosa, i want him to have peace and to not have to worry so much about all of these unhappy people - his brothers and sisters, everyone in his office. it's too much and i worry.




shannon and i have been feeling some kind of way towards our mother. i don't know why. we've been feeling like she is distant, like she doesn't want to bother.

but i don't know. i just don't know at all.


sometimes.

i know that i've been just eating straight junk - stocking up for winter?
wishing i could hibernate? hide under my covers until ehh mid march? i wish, i really do.

some people need thick skin, well i need a thick layer of blubber to protect me well, from myself.

and i think it will fend off others. again, i have no idea.

but today i was thinking about how impossible it is to simply be human.

it's a terrible sentence - all of our limitations, wants and endless desires that we try to satiate. and we fail over and over again. limitations are everywhere- intellect, old age, youth, and we're trapped in wretched bodies the whole time. bodies that betray in youth, mistakes and carelessness and ten in old age there's too much time to reflect and no energy to act.

it's sick and sad. and maybe i've been reading too much baudelaire.

no choice

i don't have a choice.

i have to work harder, smarter, faster, and stronger.

i will not let myself become overwhelmed...

Even as I need support, I know my family can't be there for me right now.

So I must carry on and be strong.
It's a time of great trials, it's a time to prove myself.

I have to reach down into the vast reserves, into dark massy pits of energy which were once directed towards nothing good, nothing good at all. Redirect them.

For everything, there is still beauty in the ashes.

I also must work out today.

raw

i don't know why i feel so raw right now.
everything is at the surface.
i feel defenseless and yet i'm still trying to hold on - keep going, keep moving forward, keep up the momentum.

i just feel raw and vulnerable. and tired. really tired. and drained. like i need some support. i need something solid to lean on. i need someone solid to lean on.

i don't what to be a one-woman island forever. i don't want to shut the doors and build any more secret lives.

what are my options? i don't know if anyone will get it. get me. accept me to the tilth.

i am flotsam right now.

everything is vapors.

i need you

to love me to the tilth
whatever you find there, love it. and me.
in all of it's excess and shame. whatever you find, promise me, it will be to the tilth.
your love should be excess, that's the only way i'll understand. the only way to know it's might be real.

regret

It occurs to me now that regret is a often a great luxury. You can only regret if you had a choice.
- nb